This is the first popular publication article I've seen that has given the very important cognitive overload aspect of nagging--and especially multi-pronged nagging litany, which seems to be the most common kind--the treatment it deserves:
But when it comes to nagging reminders about what your
spouse still has to do after a long day working for the
man—take out the recycling, walk the dog, write a
thank-you letter, defrost the chicken, fix the
stereo—keep a lid on it. Economists talk about
“information processing costs,” or the costs incurred
from processing, absorbing and filtering information.
When information processing costs get too high, we
tend to become paralyzed.
Now I just need to figure out a good way to pass that hint along to my wife without her inferring that I hate her and don't ever want to speak to her about anything.
You're thinking about it the wrong way... bartonfink's issue was that for this issue his input had a conflict of interest. You remove that by getting a separate person to lead the input... which you can reference later on.
This is not so different from the standard sales approach of gaining the confidence of an SME on the client side who advises the decision maker.
In my experience if I'm her largest influence, then something's gone horribly wrong. I don't mean to be offensive, but this concept sounds more like codependency than a partnership.
Yeah, sorry my initial reply was borderline knee jerk. I'm even questionable on even largest, but it's all on the back of my own experience.
The successful relationships I've had were always ones where my partner had their own, multiple criteria for happiness. I want to be at most say, a third of someone's life and contribute as much to their emotional state.
Between work, hobbies, social circles, working out, etc etc, I've always found relationships to fit into that but they place about no. 3-4, and anecdotally, its always made for better outcomes. When they hit no. 1 or 2, it means we're both giving up on something that's a significant part of our character, and I've never found it to be a positive indicator.
Family therapists know this stuff already. Tell her that you want to make your marriage everything it could be and more, etc, etc, and get her to a therapist, where she'll learn it for herself. Worked for me ;)
"Hunny, I appreciate that you want to help me remember what needs doing, but it's overwhelming if you tell me as soon as I come home from a long day at work. I know I have a habit of forgetting, so let's make a deal: if I forget to do something come 9 PM, I'll take on one of your chores the next day. Does that sound fair to you?"
Or if your SO can take the hint from humor:
"If I had a nickel for every time you told me to take out the trash when I was about to do it..."
Sounds a lot cheaper than suffering this though:
"No it doesn't sound fair!! What, you can't remember something like that either??" or "You are ALWAYS Tired, God I have to do everything, why did I marry you..." etc, etc.
- Not that I hear that from anyone. Perhaps different strokes for different folk applies here?
- (PS: I love you honey)
The other (unwritten) upside being that therapy can help with a lot of other problems too... Of course you should openly talk about it. But sometimes an appeal to authority does wonders to get the point across.
This doesn't actually take into account that the naggee can influence this. As a 12 year old, I remember finally getting so sick of my Dad nagging me to mow the lawn, that I started doing it before he had a chance to.
With my mother this failed miserably. After I gave up on her nagging for someone to do the dishes, she started nagging that the dishes weren't coming out as clean as they should. After I started scrubbing a lot longer and harder she started nagging that the drain and the sink weren't always pristine. After I started cleaning the drain and sink every time I did the dishes she complained the the countertop got wet. After I started drying the countertop, then the kitchen table had crumbs over it. After that, I broke down and had a really bad fight with her, and got her to shut up and just clean whatever it was that bothered her so much in the kitchen.
My mom used to (and occasionally still) do a lot of nagging. By the time I was five years old, I had learned to shut it out. Nagging just does not work over extended time periods unless the other person is completely submissive.
